Progress

Alright, 2lbs down, 60 more to go!! I've been doing fairly well, with my little cheats here and there, but they certainly add up and I need to STAY ON TRACK. It;s so hard to work at a restaurant like Chili's and be on a diet. We always have food tastings and we pretty much live off of dead food (dead food: food that was made incorrectly or duplicated)...Me and my coworkers have eaten dinner off of dead food. And let me tell you, dead food is hardly ever healthy haha....in fact, its mostly texas cheese fries and chocolate moltens lol

But even with all that cheating I've lost 2.5 lbs since Wednesday, when I started this whole health revolution, so I'd consider that a relative success. Also, tonight I'm gonna wear my pedometer to work to see how much exercise I really get running around that place for 5-7 hours a night.

FAIL

Ok, so I already cheated hahaha I had a half a piece of pizza today and a couple pieces of my delicious homemade jerky...but otherwise the day went quite well. I generally ate healthy and went on a nice walk with the sis. Only 3 cigs left in my LAST PACK EVER (I hope).

I'll keep you posted.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow I start my new HEALTHY life. I can't wait. It's going to be hard, but it will be completely worth it. I'm determined this time. I'm going to get back onto the Weight Watchers bandwagon, exercise at least 3 times (ideally 5 times) a week, and slowly ween myself off of cigarettes.


Wish me luck. I'll need all the support I can get.



Hope is a wonderful feeling :)

Birthday

Today is my 23rd birthday...a fairly uneventful one so far, but those who have celebrated with me have made it count :)

Last night about 10 of us went to San Mateo to go bar hopping...it wasn't as crackin as I thought it was going to be, but we had a nice time and had some AWESOME pizza. When Jarrod came to pick me up to head out there I put my bag in the trunk and accidentaly saw my birthday present, which he had yet to wrap. Yay food dehydrator!!! I know it sounds weird, but Im really excited about it. Anyways, we ended up going to two different bars one was called Glow, which was really fun, and the other one I can't remember the name of, and it was more of a pub atmosphere with big comfy booths, a fooze-ball table, and pool tables. Then we went to, I think it was called North Beach Pizza and ordered like, 4 different pizzas, all of which were amazing. After that we called it a night becuase everything was pretty much shutting down :(

Then this morning Jarrod made me a birthday breakfast of french toast and scrambled eggs..he's so sweet :) Then I "opened" my unwrapped present haha and we just layed around for a while...it was kinda nice to just do nothing for a few hours. After chilling for a while Tara dropped me off at home where my awesome parents gave me my birthday/graduation-present-in-one: a Nikon D3000!!! omg, Im so juiced, I have been wanting a nice DSLR for soo long and I finally have one! We're going to have to go to some cool spots to take some nice landscapes :) I can't wait to play around with it!

Of all the birthday wishes, texts, and calls, the one that made me the happiest was when my grandma called me a ffew minutes ago and sang me Happy Birthday. It definitely made me cry. Im just scared that it might be the last time that I hear that. She;s so frail now and the Parkinson's is really making it hard for her to do everyday things. I wish I could have recorded her singing so I could listen to it over and over...Maybe I'll bring my video camera over to her house one of these days and make a video of her so I can watch it in the future and remember her clearly. I wish I had videos of my grandpa. I can't even remember clearly what he looked like. Anyways, my new mission is to record as much of the people I love as possible so that they can always be with me :) So don't get camera shy on me people!!!

As for right now, Im studying for my Human Physiology Midterm that's on Monday and wondering what is going on tonight...so far no news.

Happy Halloween <3

Releif

Today Jarrod had his court date for the fireworks incident...they let him off easy, thank God. I was freaking out all month long. They changed it to an infraction and are charging him a $250 fine. Way less than I was expecting.

Also, he told me that Shelley is doing much better. She is awake and they are probably going to be able to take her off of the breathing machine tomorrow. Thank God for that. It was so hard to see Jarrod and Tara and David and the whole family so upset and hurting and there was nothing that I could do. I'm so glad that she is going to be ok :)

Tonight I took a well deserved and needed break from school at work and went to the movies with Jarrod. We saw Where the Wild Things are...it was weird, but it was good. I, of course, cried at the end. During the previews Jarrod said that he wants to get a mini pot belly pig when we move out. I am totally ok with the piglet part because they are soooo cute, but then they turn into ugly pigs :( I don't know how I feel about the grown up pig part...

hrmm

haven't updated in a long time...I'll get on that as soon as I'm done with my midterms Wednesday and Thursday..well, I guess this actually counts as a half-assed update


I'll really update later.

"Well behaved women

rarely make history."



I love Marilyn Monroe

fatty

Why am I having such a hard fucking time losing weight and anna can lose 22lbs so fast? That lucky beetch. I need to really crack down. hardcore. starting NOW.


who's with me? Im walking with my girlfriends tomorrow and hitting the gym in the am on friday...probably around 10 or 11...anyone wanna join me? lemme know.

I'm gonna try to hit the gym tonight after work, too...working out at least 5 times a week and eating super healthy as often as I can is my new goal. I need this so bad. I really think its starting to affect my relationship. I was such a happy person when I was happy with my appearance, I want that self esteem and confidence back.

Chili's

I think my job is making me depressed. It's damaging to my self esteem and pride to be 22 years old, a graduate from one of the most prestigious universities in the country, and to work at Chili's as a hostess while 18 year olds who barely finished high school get more hours than me and make more money that me. I need a new job. I really feel terrible about my situation right now. At first it wasn't so bad, now its really getting to me. I need to find something that fits my school schedule and my intellect. I am just really depressed right now and I can't figure out what it is...I know that the job isn't helping, though.

you know

for you I'd bleed myself dry.



If you haven't heard Jem's version of Coldplay's "Yellow" you need to. I have it on my myspace...check it: http://www.myspace.com/amykabob

Dear little baby jesus,

please bless me with the money to move out of my parent's house.




i need a change. desperately. I find myself being unhappy here more often than not lately, like no one understands me. I know I can be hard to live with, but not everything that comes out of my mouth is nearly as evil as they imagine. its like no matter what I say or do it gets taken the wrong way, and I know its because I can be hard to live with and I have a short fuse, but still. I'm not a horrible person...even though my own family may think i am from time to time.


PS- going to Yosemite in a couple weeks. One of the most beautiful places in the country...possible even the world.

trauma

that little dog won't get out of my head.

I keep picturing it over and over and its really effecting my mood and my ability to concentrate.

I've been driving ridiculously slow everywhere in fear that a dog or cat will run in front of my car and I won't be able to stop...slow to the point of being annoying not only to everyone behind me, but also to myself.

I feel guilty whenever I look at Joey cuz I have him and those two little girls don't have their little love anymore.

and its really hard for me to drive past the little bloodstain on Bockman.

...i'm pretty sure I've been traumatized.





on a lighter note, there was a guest leader at my weight watchers meeting today. A really motivating, jolly old man named Frank who kept calling me "dearheart". He reminded me of my Nanu.

he certainly brightened up my day :)

oh oh, I almost forgot! Me and my mom went to the new farmer's market at the old Mervyn's parking lot. It was small, but really nice...we got some amazing raspberries and strawberries along with some white plums, some vegetables, and a bag of whole wheat pita bread.

you should check it out next weekend..they even had fresh kettle corn, a live band, and barbecue!

Life

I witnessed the fragility of life today.

It was terrible.

I was driving down Bockman on my way to Chabot to sell back some books (which they didn't even buy back! those bitches.) when I saw this Hispanic mother and her two daughters on the sidewalk. It seemed as though their little white doggy had gotten out and they were trying to catch him. then the saddest thing happened: the little dog darted into the street and under the wheels of a PG&E truck. The poor little guy was crushed from the neck up and his little tail was wagging and back legs were still kicking (most likely due to stray nerve impulses being translated as muscle movements). I almost got sick when i saw it happen. I still keep picturing that poor little dog dying and its family watching him helplessly. After the initial shock, I immediatly started bawling. I couldn't help myself. I kept thinking about about the dog, the family, and the poor driver who couldn't stop in time. He pulled over after it happened, but I can only imagine how guilty he felt.

I understand that it was "just a dog" and these things "happen all the time" but I personally consider my dogs a part of my family and I would be devastated to whitness their untimely and gruesome deaths. I would fall apart.

It really made me consider how quickly life can end. We are all a breath away from the end of our lives and we really should live life to the fullest. That little dog was happily running along when he met his end and I'm sure, like most dogs, he loved and lived his life to the fullest.

In other words, love, laugh, and appreciate what you've got, you never know when it will all be taken away.


poor little doggy. He's in heaven with Charlie now...

friendship

I am sorely disappointed in the caliber of friend that I've chosen throughout my life.

Don't get me wrong, right now I have some wonderful friends that I've met through my boyfriend, but that's exactly what they are: my boyfriend's friends. They are great people and it seems like they like my company and care about Jarrod and I and thats nice. I just wish the people that I had chosen throughout my life had been more honest and loyal. Ashley is a wonderful friend and I love her to death and this post has nothing to do with her. She's always been there for me and even when he had our huge fight, we worked it out because that's what real friends do.

Its the other friends who don't return my calls, who don't bother to let me know that they won't make it to a special event in my life that deserves celebration after promising they would come. And in one case, forcing unltimatums on me to ensure their attendance. I had to ask one of my oldest friends not to bring his girlfriend to my party because of some stupid drama so another one of my oldest friends would come to my graduation party from UC Berkeley. So I did the awkward, uncomfprtable deed of asking Jon not to bring Courntey...who really is a nice girl...so that Matt would come, because his problem with Jon and Courtney outweighs his friendship with me. Then he didn't even show up. what the fuck? This was such a huge day for me and he knew it and he didn't even show up. The least he could have done was called and let me know he couldnt make it. He even texted me half way through the party to make sure Courtney wasn't there? How am I supposed to feel? He hasn't even called or texted me back to give me a reason. I'm so hurt.

All my best friends seem to do this to me. They all either leave me behind or stab me in the back. All of them except Ashley. She stuck around.

I may just give up on getting close to people.





What a stupid downer blog. On a lighter note, I have work today at my new job (which i am actually already starting to dislike. hahaha oh gosh)

OMG

I can't wait to move out.


I really feel like my relationship with my parents will improve.

Threading

Ashley took me to get my eyebrows threaded at Shiva Salon in Fremont...it was awesome!!!!

It costs $5 and the lady took two strands of thread wrapped around each other and used them to shape and clean up my eyebrows. I have so much trouble with shaping them myself and they came out so good when she did them. I would totally recommend it to anyone...especially if you already pay to get them waxed...why not try something new and see if you like it? I mean, you really can't beat the price and it hurt as bad as plucking...which really isn't bad at all.


check it out!!!

Yarrrr

Haven't written in a while.


I've been oh so busy with work and school. The semester is winding down, therefore, the workload is winding up!! I've been pretty stressed lately trying to study, find a job, keep up with the bf and friends and trying to figure out what to do with my life!

In regards to what Im going to do with my life, I've got it down to one of three options: 1. Physician Assistant 2. Nurse Practitioner 3. Optometrist...weird combo, right? Hopefully I can figure it out soon...

On the job front...well...I got one!! Woo hoo! Although, it may not be the most glamorous, it's better than nothing: I'll be working as a hostess at Chili's until they bump me up to server. I know...its lame. I graduated from one of the most prestigious universities in the country if not the world, and Im working at fucking Chili's.

whatev. Im off to go try and get an extra ticket for my graduation so Jarrod can come. They only gave us five! Anyways...wish me luck.

What I Wish

I wish that for once in my life I could be happy with myself and really, truly, honestly feel beautiful.



I will someday. I just have to keep trying.


60 lbs to go.

Upper

So, in light of my depressing self-pitying entry yesterday I have decided to end my short-lived mild depression and do something about the problems n my life.

1. Parents: hard to change...I will try to be more thick skinned and sickly sweet to my sister and my parents and maybe if I always act nice enough they'll leave me the fuck alone.

or I could always resort to physical violence and just fight Anna: Winner gets our parents undying affection.

2. Friends: I am going to hang out with as many people as possible whenver possible...for instance: I have plans to hang out with different people every night this week until saturday!!!! Anyone down to hang out sunday? I also have monday off...perhaps we could have a bbq (weather permitting) ?

3. Stress: I'mm continuing the job hunt today at lunch and after I get home from Jodie's and I am going to talk to my Aunt Kathy for some advice on medical experience that would be good for PA schools.

4. My fat ass: I am going to really stick to my diet and work out like my personal trainer taught me....except even more often!!! Who wants a gym buddy?? I belong to 24hr fitness and I want to go at least 2 days a week for at least an hour plus Im starting a Yoga class at Chabot next wednesday.

Also! I'm gonna be coordinating with Lexi to take walks around lake chabot or the San Leandro Marina hopefully once a week at least...I think it would be nice to get a few of us girls together and just exercise and chit chat...let us know if you are interested!! It'll be fun!!!

Warning: Downer

I don't want to be a downer or a whiner. I try really hard not to be so negative, and I try to be optimistic and positive and cheerful and bubbly, but its getting to the point where I can't anymore. Things are just too hard right now for me to act happy all the time. I need to let it out a little. If you don't like negativity, then don't read this. I just need a little time to vent.

I am unhappy. I guess that's the first step right? To admit it. I've been trying to figure out why I'm unhappy and I've come up with a myriad of reasons.

1. My parents have been riding my ass my entire life. I led a sheltered childhood where I was grossly overweight and unpopular and mildly intelligent and terribly depressed. No one ever noticed, they just continued to ride my ass academically and behaviorally and expected me to be perfect. My sister on the other hand, they never treated like that. In their eyes she is perfect and no matter how hard I try and how much I accomplish I will never ever outshine her. ever. She can be a complete bitch to me with her underhanded comments and her spiteful, nasty jokes at my expense and my parents just laugh. When I strike back, I end up getting ganged up on for being "a miserable bitch" which is a direct quote both from my sister and my mother, and a "spoiled rotten brat" when in actuality, it is Anna who always got what she wanted, I just rode her coat tails. My father tells me that I need to be more understanding and tolerant of her behavior and her teasing and her slights and her generally hatefulness. He tells me that I need a thicker skin. To me it seems that as a father he is teaching the wrong lesson. Perhaps Anna should learn to be more understanding of how I feel and how what she says makes me feel rather than telling me to tolerate her meanness. Now, don't get me wrong, I do understand the fact that in life people are not always going to be kind and I can handle that, but doesn't it always seem to hurt more when its your own family intentionally hurting you?

I could talk about this for days. I should probably move on.

2. I have lost almost every friend that ever meant anything to me. Ask anyone on earth who their best friend is. Not one person will say my name. That sounds really petty, but not being a best friend to someone really is painful especially because I consider a lot of people to be close friends who probably don't consider me one. It makes me really sad.

I understand that friendships are two way streets and that both parties need to work to keep them, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. In fact, knowing that its probably my fault makes it hurt even more. I went to UC Berkeley and I struggled a lot, so studying took up almost all of time when I wasnt in class, at work, or at my various interships and volunteer placements, plus I have been in a relationship for most of my college career and relationships take time and energy, so of course I spent a significant fraction of my free time with whatever boyfriend I was with at the time. I feel like that is understandable and forgivable, but perhaps other people don't. There are only 24 hours in a day...far too few to finish all of the things that I had on my plate and make time for a boyfriend and a social life. Maybe now that I will have a bit more free time I can repair those relationships, but thats only if the other person tries, too. I've neglected my friends and now I don't have many of them left.

It's just hard to feel so alone sometimes.

3. I'm stressed out like you would not beleive. I thought graduating would make me less stressed, not bump it up a couple hundred notches. I need to findd a vocational school to go to to get medical experience so I can apply to a PA Master's program, but I don't know what kind of experience is better (Medical Assistant versus Surgical Technologist) and I honestly still don't know if I really want to go to PA school instead of Medical School and that is really stressing me out because I have to decide NOW.

I also am 2 days into my last week at my job at UC Berkeley and I don't have a new job lined up. I'm freaking out about bills and school books and how Im gonna afford to go on the cruise and all that nonsense. Its really stressing me out. I need a job, but no one seems to want to hire me. I guess I just can't give up. Perhaps I'll spend tonight looking for jobs after I check on my grandma to see how her surgery went this morning.

4. Im am once again. terribly overweight. I was huge in high school and I managed to lose 100 lbs, unfortunately I have gained a portion of that weight back and I have been trying really hard to lose it and I am having a really hard time. I have struggled with my weight my entire life and I have never really won the war. I'm beginning to lose hope, that maybe I'm just destined to be fat for the rest of my life.

I have this mindset that if I lose weight all my problems will be solved: my family will accept me, my friends will come back and want to be around me, and I'll be happy. I guess thats not really true, buts its a lifelong feeling that I've had.



Thats all I am really feeling unhappy about right now, but those are 3 or 4 huge parts of my life that are going very poorly. At least I have Jarrod, Ashley, and Christine to keep my mind off of things and make me smile.

Vaccines, Autism, and Organics

So I listen to a wonderful program call "This American Life", which is produced Public Radio International and today I listened to one called "Ruining It for the Rest of Us" which had a segment on parents who choose not to vaccinate their children. This is an issue that drives me crazy. I understand that people are scared and they don't trust the "system" and that they may not have all the facts. I have a very easy solution for those people. GET. THE. FACTS. Yes, doctors may give a one sided view of vaccines, but so do the people who are spreading rumors that the MMR (Measles, Mumps and Rubella) vaccine causes autism. The one study that I have ever personally seen that "proved" that the vaccine caused autism has been RETRACTED. Measles is DEADLY.
By making the decision to not vaccinate their child against it, they are not only putting their children in danger, but other people's children as well. When considering the Public Health impact of a vaccine one must look at Herd Immunity. This is the idea that as long as a certain percentage of the population or "herd" is vaccinated, the entire population is protected. When the percentage of people vaccinated falls below that required for herd immunity, epidemics happen. I really don't think that people consider Public Health safety when making vaccine decisions, they only think about their child and the negligible chance that the vaccine may cause autism or other diseases. They hear people talking about autism and vaccines and danger and they immediately trust rumors ahead of the "system", which is obviously out to get them and their children. The only thing that I have heard that is in a vaccine that has been a proven medical danger is aluminum, which is a proven neurotoxin. So why do people use aluminum foil to cover their children's food? It doesn't make any sense to me.
These parents are probably the same parents who insist that their families only eat organic. And yes, eating organic is good to a degree, many of the nasty pesticides are avoided, but there are also negatives. All plants have natural inseticides to kill predators and to stop them from continuing to feed on them. Well, by using pesticides, we save the plants the trouble of developing and manufaturing these natural toxins. Why, you might ask, does this matter to humans? Because many of the these natural plant insecticides are deadly to humans, neurotoxins, carcinogens, allergens, you name it. We don't have a lot of information on a lot of them, either, whereas in many places that our food is grown (in the US andd Europe in particular) pessticides are closely monitored and regulated. Natural plant toxins are not.
It seems as though people see "natural" things as healthy things, and in actuality, some the most poisonous, deadly things we know of are natural. Botulism, for example, is a natural product of the bacteria clostridium botulinum, Anthrax is also a natural product of the species anthracis when infected with certain bacteriophages. Natural by no means is healthy. Keep that in mind at the grocery store.


Moral of the story: Take everything with a grain of salt, don't listen to what people around you are saying. Do some research for yourself...you might be suprised at what you find.