Reassessment

So, I’ve been thinking a lot about what I am going to do for the next 5-10 years of my life and I’m starting to think that perhaps I am making a bad decision. I feel kind of like I am just settling or going the easy way. I mean, why shouldn’t I work my ass of and apply to Stanford Med? Harvard Med? Or Yale Med?

Why am I settling with a career as a lowly Physician Assistant? Is it what I really want? I really can’t tell what I want right now. I have a really great boyfriend who seems to be in it for the long haul (for now at least, you never know what is going to happen in the future). I want to do the whole family thing and I feel like PA is perfect for that. I want to work a 40 hour week and not be on call all the time and be able to cook my family dinner every night and take my kids to soccer practice and stuff. I want to be able to support them, too, though, and I have this weird mental hang up that if I’m not a doctor or a lawyer or an engineer I’m not going to be able to do that. I want to have a beautiful house with a big yard and a dog and the whole nine yards. And I’m kind of scared that I won’t be able to have that if I don’t make more sacrifices and go to medical school or marry a doctor or something. Is that weird? Am I just being crazy?

I don’t know what to do with my life. I wish someone could just tell me what to do. Like when I was little.

My Hero

So yesterday was thanksgiving and it was really fun. We went to my Uncle Jim's house where is new-ish wife Rebecca made an amazing dinner in their gorgeous house. It was pretty picturesque. We drank expensive wine and went hot-tubbing after dinner. My cousin Brad brought his girlfriend that he met when he was living in France. She was really sweet and really pretty. I'm happy for him.

I also learned a lot about my grandpa frank. He died in December of 1999. He was one of the most amazing, kind, gentle, selfless, generous people I have ever met in my entire life. He never really talked about his life very much, though...and as a little kid, I never really questioned it or wondered why. I knew he was a marine and I knew that he was stationed in Okinawa. I knew that he met my grandma sometime after the war when his car broke down and she helped him push it. He took her to dinner that night to thank her for helping him and the rest is history.

A show came on TV last night on the history channel about cities of the underground (which is a really cool show, and I recommend it, there is always cool shit on that show) and the particular episode was about the Battle for Okinawa and the underground tunnels, bunkers, and hospitals that the Okinawans and Japanese soldiers hid and worked in. My grandmother did not live in Okinawa at the time, but her best friend Fumiko, who was at thanksgiving dinner last night, was telling us about her and her family fled to Taiwan when the battle began.

Now I always knew that my grandfather fought at the battle for Okinawa, but I had no idea what he did or what happened to him until after he had died. My cousin Taylor wrote a report about the battle that included a fact sheet about my grandfather, most of which i had no idea of. and I wanted to share that story with you. It's pretty amazing.

Francis T. Cahoon (my amazing grandfather) was a Sergeant in the 6th Marine Division and he entered Okinawa to fight on April 1at, 1945. His platoon was called "Rat Patrol" and he was part of a team that used flame throwers to flush the Japanese soldiers out of caves (They also ended up freeing many Okinawan civilians who were being held in the caves for many weeks ,starving, thirsty, and riddled with illness. The Japanese soldiers even killed babies who made noise so as to keep their positions secret. The survivor that they interviewed on the show last night said that the Japanese where far more frightening than the Americans and that when the Americans came they gave the Okinawans food, water, and medical care). After coming under heavy fire my grandfather's entire platoon was killed save him and one other soldier. They were hit by a mortar and flung into a ditch, and his dog tags were blown off. the other soldier tried to stand up, my grandpa tried to pull him down, but it was in vain; the other soldier was shot and killed, leaving my grandfather as the sole survivor in his entire platoon. He went into battle shock and lay in that ditch for 3 days unconscious. A medical team searching for survivors found him critically injured by the mortar and with no identification. He was taken to a military hospital where he remained for an unknown amount of time. He woke up not knowing where or who he was. Eventually he was identified by his cousin Frances who happened to be a nurse at that same hospital. Because of the mortar he was deaf in his right ear (which i never knew until last night) and was left with heavy scarring on his upper right leg and buttocks.

How is that for an amazing story? He is so amazingly lucky: he was the only man to survive the battle of his entire platoon, he was found by a medical team in a sea of bodies and carnage, and he just happened to be in the same hospital that Frances was in and she found him and was able to identify him. The way I see it, God was either watching him very closely or He blessed him with extraordinary luck. I think that he knew what a gift he was given to be alive and he really incorporated that into the rest of his life. He did everything he could for people who needed it and would give you the shirt off of his back if you asked for it. He was an amazing person. He is my hero.

<3

Changes

I didn't know what to title this. Maybe I'll think of something as I write.

It's almost kida sorta hitting me that I am about to close one of the most life-changing chapters of my entire like in less than 3 weeks.

It's sort of scary. This week is thanksgiving, then next week I have 1 final and then the week after that I have 4 finals and Im done. On december 12th I will be a Berkeley graduate. How crazy is that? Berkeley really has had a huge part in making me who I am today. It chalenged me and forced me to work harder than I ever have before. I made a lot of sacrafices for this moment, and I have lost a lot of relationships along the way. I think thats what makes me so melancholy about the whole thing. All the people I lost along the way. I have had some amazing friends in the last 5 or 10 years and I only really keep in contact with a small number of them. It makes me kind of sad to think about the past and all of the memories that I have because I feel like I gave a lot of that up. I mean, I know that it will pay off eventually, but it just seems so far away. I don't know why Im being all emo. This really is a good thing, I mean I'm almost done!!! This has been so hard and I'm almost done.

Im just sort of scared of what comes next. I mean, I know what comes next. Chabot, the medical assisting, then PA school, then being a PA. But it doesn't seem that simple for some reason. There is a really deep dark uncertainty that I keep feeling in my gut. Like, maybe things arent going to go the way I have planned things...and if you know me, you know I like structure. I like plans and schedules and lists and uncertainty and change scare me. Where am I going to work while Im at Chabot? The economy is terrible and I need a job, a good job, one where I can make enough money to move out. But then moving out will also be a big change and I don't know if I can handle that. Jarrod really wants to move in together, but Im scared to ruin what we have. I'm scared to change everything. I'm scared to fail. I'm scare that all of my hard work was in vain. I'm scared that I really don't know what I want to do in life and all of this was for someone else.

I know I'm going to cry on December 12th at 11am in front of everyone, because I'll finally be finished, and I'll be happy, and I'll be releived, but mostly I'll be scared.

Politics.

So, I've been really busy lately, but I've been meaning to write about a couple of political things that have really been getting to me.

First off: I am so disappointed in California. How could prop 8 have passed? I really am ashamed and disappointed. How could we take the right of marriage away fom a group of people simply because we don't agree with their lifestyles. In that case, why isn't divorce illegal? That certainly effects the sanctity of marriage, and the Catholic Church certainly looks down on it. So why are people still allowed to get divorced? If we placed the same standards that we place on gay marriage, then a lot of people would not be allowed to be married. Interracial couples would not be allowed. my grandparents would not have been able to get married, and I wouldnt even be here if it weren't for people who stuck up for what is right and fair. With every civil rights battle, the majority has been against it, wether it be interacial marrige, women's rights, and the ending of segregation. The constitution protected those people's rights. Why doesn't it protect the rights of the LGBTQ community? I think that is so wrong.

I love the argument that gay marriage is wrong because it's unnatural...yeah, i know, right? We Americans hate unnatural things like cars, airplanes, breat implants, hair dye, tattoos, nail polish, makeup, fake tans, computers...honestly the list could go on forever.

I'm just really saddened by this decision. I really hope that the supreme court rules this proposition unconstiutional, because it really is.

On the other hand: Fuck yeah, Obama. I'm so proud of America for deiciding that change is a good thing and really making history this election. The first black president...I don't know if you guys are as inspired by this as I am, but this is huge. I really am proud of our country for pulling together and electing someone who is our president, not just the republican's president or the democrat's president, or the top 10%'s president. I think that he really has the coapacity to stand up for us little guys. and thats a nice feeling.

During his speech after he was elected, I was really moved. And the most interesting part about why I was so moved is that it wasn't because I was so nuts about Obama (he's great compared to McCain, but probably not going to be the best prseident we've ever had), but because I felt patriotic. For a large part of the past 8 years I have been really cynical about America and I was really beginning to internalize the hatred of Americans that so many other countries feel. I haven't been proud to be an American in a long time, but all of the sudden, when he was giving his speech something clicked, it literally brought tears to my eyes. I felt proud, patriotic, and hopeful for America. I was moved. and it felt good.

One of my favorite lines from his "Yes we can" speech is this one: "We've been asked to pause for a reality check, we've been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope. But in the unlikely story that is America there has never been anything false about Hope."

That line runs chills down my spine. What a beautiful assertation. and think about how true it is, how America really was built on hope, without hope, we would have nothing.

Go check out Will.I.Am's video called "yes we can". It'll move you.

The Real World

Tomorrow I start my last semester as a UC Berkeley student. I'm really excited and apprehensive at the same time, I mean, my entire life I have been a student, and a good one at that. I've held a job since I was 17 (which most Berkeley kids have never even had to imagine doing) but I've always considered myself a student and considered having a job a means to afford to be a student (books, bart, food, and clothes add up). It just scares me that after I graduate for at least a year I'm not going to be a student anymore. How will I identify myself? An employee? A student in waiting? Uncertainty makes me nervous.

My whole life I have had a plan. I always have a plan. and a list. But right now, I don't know what to do...it's a weird feeling for me not knowing what I'll be doing in the next year because ever since I was a little kid I always knew what came next. I know I have options that I'll do something I love eventually, I just can't stop thinking :"Now what comes next?" The real world? Don't get me started on the real world. "The real world" is a bullshit term that I HIGHLY resent.

Considering life after school "the real world" implies that because I have been a student for most of my life I don't understand how hard life is and how the world really works. I beg to differ. I know many people who did not go to college and work their asses off on a daily basis to earn a good living and I can completely respect that. But honnsetly, I have worked harder than MOST of the people that I know for a large part of my life. School is no cakewalk. I have never had things handed to me on a silver platter like many of the yuppy UC Berkeley students that I come in contact with on a dadily basis. I have NEVER been naturally smat. Ever. I got to where I am by working hard. Harder than people think. So I really can't stand when people talk about the "real world". Wanna experience the real world? Well, try going to school full time, not just any school though, an uber competitve research institution like UC Berkeley and never get anything below a solid B, commute an hour to and from school on Bart at all hours of the morning/night, work 25-30 hours per week while making time for homework and studying, also making time for your boyfriend and friends beause as much as people say they support you, as soon as you stop calling they forget you ever existed. Oh yeah, and deal with all that on top of the stress that comes from overbearing parents and the ignorant assholes that live in our area who steal our cars, invade our spaces, ccompromise our safety, and vandalize our property. Then, after you do that for 4 1/2 years (Im not including working your ass of during high school to make it into Berkeley) you tell me how little I know about the real world.


Yeah. Thats all.

downer.

I have been feeling a lot lately. I don't know if that makes sense, but I have just been..feeling, feeling lots of things.

INADEQUATE:

 I know that Im a good person and Im smart, but lately I just haven't felt adequate in a lot of ways. I'm having a lot of trouble with the whole grad school thing and I'm probably not going to get in for the fall because they want all this experience and I don't have any. So then no one wants to hire me so I can gain experience because they want experienced employees. It's the definition of a catch-22 and I don't know how I'm going to get around it.

I also have an amazing boyfriend who deserves the best of everything and I feel as though I just can't give it to him. It's mostly just because of my weight, which I have been battling since I was a little girl, probably around the age of 10. It really has defined the majority of my life, it takes over my entire day. everyday. All I think about is food, what to eat, when to eat, how many calories, and how Im going to be able to work it off later. Its too hard and I feel like its starting to effect my relationship because I know that my insecurities effect how I act toward Jarrod and how he sees me.

UNSURE:

I have a lot of life left, but I feel like I've found the person I want to stay with, if not for the rest of my life, then for a big part of it. It could just be me being all silly and in love, but I don't think it is. I have NEVER felt this way about someone before and, honestly, it scares me a little. There aren't a lot of people that I feel like I can completely trust and I can feel like I could trust him with my life. I don't want anything more than I want to make him happy, and when he is happy, it makes me happy...but not everything is so golden. I often find myself thinking about the hard times that we had to push through to get to this point and how much hurt I felt and how I don't want to feel that again. As much as I thought I liked him back then, he has changed into a different person right before my eyes and I am madly in love with this new more mature, more caring person. I can only imagine how painful it will be when all of this inevitably ends. Everything ends one way or another and that scares me, too. I don't want to scare him away, but i want to let him know how I feel, just so he knows. I can only hope that he loves me as much as I love him. He always says that he loves me more, but I can't imagine anyone feeling any more love for someone that I feel for him. And that's all I want in life, love is the ultimate attainment.

Defeat

I've given in and created a blogspot. Hopefully I'll come up with some insanely insightful thoughts and awe and inspire everyone who comes across this webpage...unfortunately I dont think that'll happen, but whatever, this is for me more than anyone else.

I have had a journal since I was in the fifth grade and I still journal to this day and I was wondering waht the use of an online blog was if I had a hand written journal, but I realized that it was for the things that you want other people to know about you, whereas the handwritten one is for just me and no one else. So yeah....this is me.


enjoy.