The Real World

Tomorrow I start my last semester as a UC Berkeley student. I'm really excited and apprehensive at the same time, I mean, my entire life I have been a student, and a good one at that. I've held a job since I was 17 (which most Berkeley kids have never even had to imagine doing) but I've always considered myself a student and considered having a job a means to afford to be a student (books, bart, food, and clothes add up). It just scares me that after I graduate for at least a year I'm not going to be a student anymore. How will I identify myself? An employee? A student in waiting? Uncertainty makes me nervous.

My whole life I have had a plan. I always have a plan. and a list. But right now, I don't know what to do...it's a weird feeling for me not knowing what I'll be doing in the next year because ever since I was a little kid I always knew what came next. I know I have options that I'll do something I love eventually, I just can't stop thinking :"Now what comes next?" The real world? Don't get me started on the real world. "The real world" is a bullshit term that I HIGHLY resent.

Considering life after school "the real world" implies that because I have been a student for most of my life I don't understand how hard life is and how the world really works. I beg to differ. I know many people who did not go to college and work their asses off on a daily basis to earn a good living and I can completely respect that. But honnsetly, I have worked harder than MOST of the people that I know for a large part of my life. School is no cakewalk. I have never had things handed to me on a silver platter like many of the yuppy UC Berkeley students that I come in contact with on a dadily basis. I have NEVER been naturally smat. Ever. I got to where I am by working hard. Harder than people think. So I really can't stand when people talk about the "real world". Wanna experience the real world? Well, try going to school full time, not just any school though, an uber competitve research institution like UC Berkeley and never get anything below a solid B, commute an hour to and from school on Bart at all hours of the morning/night, work 25-30 hours per week while making time for homework and studying, also making time for your boyfriend and friends beause as much as people say they support you, as soon as you stop calling they forget you ever existed. Oh yeah, and deal with all that on top of the stress that comes from overbearing parents and the ignorant assholes that live in our area who steal our cars, invade our spaces, ccompromise our safety, and vandalize our property. Then, after you do that for 4 1/2 years (Im not including working your ass of during high school to make it into Berkeley) you tell me how little I know about the real world.


Yeah. Thats all.

downer.

I have been feeling a lot lately. I don't know if that makes sense, but I have just been..feeling, feeling lots of things.

INADEQUATE:

 I know that Im a good person and Im smart, but lately I just haven't felt adequate in a lot of ways. I'm having a lot of trouble with the whole grad school thing and I'm probably not going to get in for the fall because they want all this experience and I don't have any. So then no one wants to hire me so I can gain experience because they want experienced employees. It's the definition of a catch-22 and I don't know how I'm going to get around it.

I also have an amazing boyfriend who deserves the best of everything and I feel as though I just can't give it to him. It's mostly just because of my weight, which I have been battling since I was a little girl, probably around the age of 10. It really has defined the majority of my life, it takes over my entire day. everyday. All I think about is food, what to eat, when to eat, how many calories, and how Im going to be able to work it off later. Its too hard and I feel like its starting to effect my relationship because I know that my insecurities effect how I act toward Jarrod and how he sees me.

UNSURE:

I have a lot of life left, but I feel like I've found the person I want to stay with, if not for the rest of my life, then for a big part of it. It could just be me being all silly and in love, but I don't think it is. I have NEVER felt this way about someone before and, honestly, it scares me a little. There aren't a lot of people that I feel like I can completely trust and I can feel like I could trust him with my life. I don't want anything more than I want to make him happy, and when he is happy, it makes me happy...but not everything is so golden. I often find myself thinking about the hard times that we had to push through to get to this point and how much hurt I felt and how I don't want to feel that again. As much as I thought I liked him back then, he has changed into a different person right before my eyes and I am madly in love with this new more mature, more caring person. I can only imagine how painful it will be when all of this inevitably ends. Everything ends one way or another and that scares me, too. I don't want to scare him away, but i want to let him know how I feel, just so he knows. I can only hope that he loves me as much as I love him. He always says that he loves me more, but I can't imagine anyone feeling any more love for someone that I feel for him. And that's all I want in life, love is the ultimate attainment.

Defeat

I've given in and created a blogspot. Hopefully I'll come up with some insanely insightful thoughts and awe and inspire everyone who comes across this webpage...unfortunately I dont think that'll happen, but whatever, this is for me more than anyone else.

I have had a journal since I was in the fifth grade and I still journal to this day and I was wondering waht the use of an online blog was if I had a hand written journal, but I realized that it was for the things that you want other people to know about you, whereas the handwritten one is for just me and no one else. So yeah....this is me.


enjoy.