Word.Slinger

2011-02-04T14:23:00.001-08:00

Testing testing

new blog.

2010-03-16T14:25:00.001-07:00

check it.

http://operationamy.tumblr.com/

Gosh

2010-01-08T14:51:00.000-08:00

I really need to start keeping up on here. My sister was talking about Tumblr last night and how its much simpler and does more stuff that blogspot, so i think I might be converting. We shall see.

Progress

2009-11-21T11:16:00.000-08:00

Alright, 2lbs down, 60 more to go!! I've been doing fairly well, with my little cheats here and there, but they certainly add up and I need to STAY ON TRACK. It;s so hard to work at a restaurant like Chili's and be on a diet. We always have food tastings and we pretty much live off of dead food (dead food: food that was made incorrectly or duplicated)...Me and my coworkers have eaten dinner off of dead food. And let me tell you, dead food is hardly ever healthy haha....in fact, its mostly texas cheese fries and chocolate moltens lol

But even with all that cheating I've lost 2.5 lbs since Wednesday, when I started this whole health revolution, so I'd consider that a relative success. Also, tonight I'm gonna wear my pedometer to work to see how much exercise I really get running around that place for 5-7 hours a night.

FAIL

2009-11-18T20:28:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I already cheated hahaha I had a half a piece of pizza today and a couple pieces of my delicious homemade jerky...but otherwise the day went quite well. I generally ate healthy and went on a nice walk with the sis. Only 3 cigs left in my LAST PACK EVER (I hope).

I'll keep you posted.

Tomorrow

2009-11-17T22:56:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow I start my new HEALTHY life. I can't wait. It's going to be hard, but it will be completely worth it. I'm determined this time. I'm going to get back onto the Weight Watchers bandwagon, exercise at least 3 times (ideally 5 times) a week, and slowly ween myself off of cigarettes.

Wish me luck. I'll need all the support I can get.

Hope is a wonderful feeling :)

Birthday

2009-10-31T17:47:00.000-07:00

Today is my 23rd birthday...a fairly uneventful one so far, but those who have celebrated with me have made it count :)

Last night about 10 of us went to San Mateo to go bar hopping...it wasn't as crackin as I thought it was going to be, but we had a nice time and had some AWESOME pizza. When Jarrod came to pick me up to head out there I put my bag in the trunk and accidentaly saw my birthday present, which he had yet to wrap. Yay food dehydrator!!! I know it sounds weird, but Im really excited about it. Anyways, we ended up going to two different bars one was called Glow, which was really fun, and the other one I can't remember the name of, and it was more of a pub atmosphere with big comfy booths, a fooze-ball table, and pool tables. Then we went to, I think it was called North Beach Pizza and ordered like, 4 different pizzas, all of which were amazing. After that we called it a night becuase everything was pretty much shutting down :(

Then this morning Jarrod made me a birthday breakfast of french toast and scrambled eggs..he's so sweet :) Then I "opened" my unwrapped present haha and we just layed around for a while...it was kinda nice to just do nothing for a few hours. After chilling for a while Tara dropped me off at home where my awesome parents gave me my birthday/graduation-present-in-one: a Nikon D3000!!! omg, Im so juiced, I have been wanting a nice DSLR for soo long and I finally have one! We're going to have to go to some cool spots to take some nice landscapes :) I can't wait to play around with it!

Of all the birthday wishes, texts, and calls, the one that made me the happiest was when my grandma called me a ffew minutes ago and sang me Happy Birthday. It definitely made me cry. Im just scared that it might be the last time that I hear that. She;s so frail now and the Parkinson's is really making it hard for her to do everyday things. I wish I could have recorded her singing so I could listen to it over and over...Maybe I'll bring my video camera over to her house one of these days and make a video of her so I can watch it in the future and remember her clearly. I wish I had videos of my grandpa. I can't even remember clearly what he looked like. Anyways, my new mission is to record as much of the people I love as possible so that they can always be with me :) So don't get camera shy on me people!!!

As for right now, Im studying for my Human Physiology Midterm that's on Monday and wondering what is going on tonight...so far no news.

Happy Halloween <3

Releif

2009-10-26T22:45:00.000-07:00

Today Jarrod had his court date for the fireworks incident...they let him off easy, thank God. I was freaking out all month long. They changed it to an infraction and are charging him a $250 fine. Way less than I was expecting.

Also, he told me that Shelley is doing much better. She is awake and they are probably going to be able to take her off of the breathing machine tomorrow. Thank God for that. It was so hard to see Jarrod and Tara and David and the whole family so upset and hurting and there was nothing that I could do. I'm so glad that she is going to be ok :)

Tonight I took a well deserved and needed break from school at work and went to the movies with Jarrod. We saw Where the Wild Things are...it was weird, but it was good. I, of course, cried at the end. During the previews Jarrod said that he wants to get a mini pot belly pig when we move out. I am totally ok with the piglet part because they are soooo cute, but then they turn into ugly pigs :( I don't know how I feel about the grown up pig part...

hrmm

2009-10-05T21:13:00.001-07:00

haven't updated in a long time...I'll get on that as soon as I'm done with my midterms Wednesday and Thursday..well, I guess this actually counts as a half-assed update

I'll really update later.

"Well behaved women

2009-08-06T16:22:00.001-07:00

rarely make history."

I love Marilyn Monroe

fatty

2009-08-05T16:47:00.000-07:00

Why am I having such a hard fucking time losing weight and anna can lose 22lbs so fast? That lucky beetch. I need to really crack down. hardcore. starting NOW.

who's with me? Im walking with my girlfriends tomorrow and hitting the gym in the am on friday...probably around 10 or 11...anyone wanna join me? lemme know.

I'm gonna try to hit the gym tonight after work, too...working out at least 5 times a week and eating super healthy as often as I can is my new goal. I need this so bad. I really think its starting to affect my relationship. I was such a happy person when I was happy with my appearance, I want that self esteem and confidence back.

Chili's

2009-07-01T13:25:00.000-07:00

I think my job is making me depressed. It's damaging to my self esteem and pride to be 22 years old, a graduate from one of the most prestigious universities in the country, and to work at Chili's as a hostess while 18 year olds who barely finished high school get more hours than me and make more money that me. I need a new job. I really feel terrible about my situation right now. At first it wasn't so bad, now its really getting to me. I need to find something that fits my school schedule and my intellect. I am just really depressed right now and I can't figure out what it is...I know that the job isn't helping, though.

you know

2009-06-26T12:19:00.000-07:00

for you I'd bleed myself dry.

If you haven't heard Jem's version of Coldplay's "Yellow" you need to. I have it on my myspace...check it: http://www.myspace.com/amykabob

Dear little baby jesus,

2009-06-06T13:03:00.000-07:00

please bless me with the money to move out of my parent's house.

i need a change. desperately. I find myself being unhappy here more often than not lately, like no one understands me. I know I can be hard to live with, but not everything that comes out of my mouth is nearly as evil as they imagine. its like no matter what I say or do it gets taken the wrong way, and I know its because I can be hard to live with and I have a short fuse, but still. I'm not a horrible person...even though my own family may think i am from time to time.

PS- going to Yosemite in a couple weeks. One of the most beautiful places in the country...possible even the world.

trauma

2009-05-23T14:27:00.001-07:00

that little dog won't get out of my head.

I keep picturing it over and over and its really effecting my mood and my ability to concentrate.

I've been driving ridiculously slow everywhere in fear that a dog or cat will run in front of my car and I won't be able to stop...slow to the point of being annoying not only to everyone behind me, but also to myself.

I feel guilty whenever I look at Joey cuz I have him and those two little girls don't have their little love anymore.

and its really hard for me to drive past the little bloodstain on Bockman.

...i'm pretty sure I've been traumatized.

on a lighter note, there was a guest leader at my weight watchers meeting today. A really motivating, jolly old man named Frank who kept calling me "dearheart". He reminded me of my Nanu.

he certainly brightened up my day :)

oh oh, I almost forgot! Me and my mom went to the new farmer's market at the old Mervyn's parking lot. It was small, but really nice...we got some amazing raspberries and strawberries along with some white plums, some vegetables, and a bag of whole wheat pita bread.

you should check it out next weekend..they even had fresh kettle corn, a live band, and barbecue!

Life

2009-05-22T14:48:00.000-07:00

I witnessed the fragility of life today.

It was terrible.

I was driving down Bockman on my way to Chabot to sell back some books (which they didn't even buy back! those bitches.) when I saw this Hispanic mother and her two daughters on the sidewalk. It seemed as though their little white doggy had gotten out and they were trying to catch him. then the saddest thing happened: the little dog darted into the street and under the wheels of a PG&E truck. The poor little guy was crushed from the neck up and his little tail was wagging and back legs were still kicking (most likely due to stray nerve impulses being translated as muscle movements). I almost got sick when i saw it happen. I still keep picturing that poor little dog dying and its family watching him helplessly. After the initial shock, I immediatly started bawling. I couldn't help myself. I kept thinking about about the dog, the family, and the poor driver who couldn't stop in time. He pulled over after it happened, but I can only imagine how guilty he felt.

I understand that it was "just a dog" and these things "happen all the time" but I personally consider my dogs a part of my family and I would be devastated to whitness their untimely and gruesome deaths. I would fall apart.

It really made me consider how quickly life can end. We are all a breath away from the end of our lives and we really should live life to the fullest. That little dog was happily running along when he met his end and I'm sure, like most dogs, he loved and lived his life to the fullest.

In other words, love, laugh, and appreciate what you've got, you never know when it will all be taken away.

poor little doggy. He's in heaven with Charlie now...

friendship

2009-05-18T10:16:00.001-07:00

I am sorely disappointed in the caliber of friend that I've chosen throughout my life.

Don't get me wrong, right now I have some wonderful friends that I've met through my boyfriend, but that's exactly what they are: my boyfriend's friends. They are great people and it seems like they like my company and care about Jarrod and I and thats nice. I just wish the people that I had chosen throughout my life had been more honest and loyal. Ashley is a wonderful friend and I love her to death and this post has nothing to do with her. She's always been there for me and even when he had our huge fight, we worked it out because that's what real friends do.

Its the other friends who don't return my calls, who don't bother to let me know that they won't make it to a special event in my life that deserves celebration after promising they would come. And in one case, forcing unltimatums on me to ensure their attendance. I had to ask one of my oldest friends not to bring his girlfriend to my party because of some stupid drama so another one of my oldest friends would come to my graduation party from UC Berkeley. So I did the awkward, uncomfprtable deed of asking Jon not to bring Courntey...who really is a nice girl...so that Matt would come, because his problem with Jon and Courtney outweighs his friendship with me. Then he didn't even show up. what the fuck? This was such a huge day for me and he knew it and he didn't even show up. The least he could have done was called and let me know he couldnt make it. He even texted me half way through the party to make sure Courtney wasn't there? How am I supposed to feel? He hasn't even called or texted me back to give me a reason. I'm so hurt.

All my best friends seem to do this to me. They all either leave me behind or stab me in the back. All of them except Ashley. She stuck around.

I may just give up on getting close to people.

What a stupid downer blog. On a lighter note, I have work today at my new job (which i am actually already starting to dislike. hahaha oh gosh)

OMG

2009-05-02T20:11:00.001-07:00

I can't wait to move out.

I really feel like my relationship with my parents will improve.

Threading

2009-05-01T16:45:00.000-07:00

Ashley took me to get my eyebrows threaded at Shiva Salon in Fremont...it was awesome!!!!

It costs $5 and the lady took two strands of thread wrapped around each other and used them to shape and clean up my eyebrows. I have so much trouble with shaping them myself and they came out so good when she did them. I would totally recommend it to anyone...especially if you already pay to get them waxed...why not try something new and see if you like it? I mean, you really can't beat the price and it hurt as bad as plucking...which really isn't bad at all.

check it out!!!

Yarrrr

2009-05-01T13:31:00.000-07:00

Haven't written in a while.

I've been oh so busy with work and school. The semester is winding down, therefore, the workload is winding up!! I've been pretty stressed lately trying to study, find a job, keep up with the bf and friends and trying to figure out what to do with my life!

In regards to what Im going to do with my life, I've got it down to one of three options: 1. Physician Assistant 2. Nurse Practitioner 3. Optometrist...weird combo, right? Hopefully I can figure it out soon...

On the job front...well...I got one!! Woo hoo! Although, it may not be the most glamorous, it's better than nothing: I'll be working as a hostess at Chili's until they bump me up to server. I know...its lame. I graduated from one of the most prestigious universities in the country if not the world, and Im working at fucking Chili's.

whatev. Im off to go try and get an extra ticket for my graduation so Jarrod can come. They only gave us five! Anyways...wish me luck.

What I Wish

2009-02-24T20:52:00.000-08:00

I wish that for once in my life I could be happy with myself and really, truly, honestly feel beautiful.

I will someday. I just have to keep trying.

60 lbs to go.

Upper

2009-01-14T09:30:00.001-08:00

So, in light of my depressing self-pitying entry yesterday I have decided to end my short-lived mild depression and do something about the problems n my life.

1. Parents: hard to change...I will try to be more thick skinned and sickly sweet to my sister and my parents and maybe if I always act nice enough they'll leave me the fuck alone.

or I could always resort to physical violence and just fight Anna: Winner gets our parents undying affection.

2. Friends: I am going to hang out with as many people as possible whenver possible...for instance: I have plans to hang out with different people every night this week until saturday!!!! Anyone down to hang out sunday? I also have monday off...perhaps we could have a bbq (weather permitting) ?

3. Stress: I'mm continuing the job hunt today at lunch and after I get home from Jodie's and I am going to talk to my Aunt Kathy for some advice on medical experience that would be good for PA schools.

4. My fat ass: I am going to really stick to my diet and work out like my personal trainer taught me....except even more often!!! Who wants a gym buddy?? I belong to 24hr fitness and I want to go at least 2 days a week for at least an hour plus Im starting a Yoga class at Chabot next wednesday.

Also! I'm gonna be coordinating with Lexi to take walks around lake chabot or the San Leandro Marina hopefully once a week at least...I think it would be nice to get a few of us girls together and just exercise and chit chat...let us know if you are interested!! It'll be fun!!!

Warning: Downer

2009-01-13T09:20:00.000-08:00

I don't want to be a downer or a whiner. I try really hard not to be so negative, and I try to be optimistic and positive and cheerful and bubbly, but its getting to the point where I can't anymore. Things are just too hard right now for me to act happy all the time. I need to let it out a little. If you don't like negativity, then don't read this. I just need a little time to vent.

I am unhappy. I guess that's the first step right? To admit it. I've been trying to figure out why I'm unhappy and I've come up with a myriad of reasons.

1. My parents have been riding my ass my entire life. I led a sheltered childhood where I was grossly overweight and unpopular and mildly intelligent and terribly depressed. No one ever noticed, they just continued to ride my ass academically and behaviorally and expected me to be perfect. My sister on the other hand, they never treated like that. In their eyes she is perfect and no matter how hard I try and how much I accomplish I will never ever outshine her. ever. She can be a complete bitch to me with her underhanded comments and her spiteful, nasty jokes at my expense and my parents just laugh. When I strike back, I end up getting ganged up on for being "a miserable bitch" which is a direct quote both from my sister and my mother, and a "spoiled rotten brat" when in actuality, it is Anna who always got what she wanted, I just rode her coat tails. My father tells me that I need to be more understanding and tolerant of her behavior and her teasing and her slights and her generally hatefulness. He tells me that I need a thicker skin. To me it seems that as a father he is teaching the wrong lesson. Perhaps Anna should learn to be more understanding of how I feel and how what she says makes me feel rather than telling me to tolerate her meanness. Now, don't get me wrong, I do understand the fact that in life people are not always going to be kind and I can handle that, but doesn't it always seem to hurt more when its your own family intentionally hurting you?

I could talk about this for days. I should probably move on.

2. I have lost almost every friend that ever meant anything to me. Ask anyone on earth who their best friend is. Not one person will say my name. That sounds really petty, but not being a best friend to someone really is painful especially because I consider a lot of people to be close friends who probably don't consider me one. It makes me really sad.

I understand that friendships are two way streets and that both parties need to work to keep them, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. In fact, knowing that its probably my fault makes it hurt even more. I went to UC Berkeley and I struggled a lot, so studying took up almost all of time when I wasnt in class, at work, or at my various interships and volunteer placements, plus I have been in a relationship for most of my college career and relationships take time and energy, so of course I spent a significant fraction of my free time with whatever boyfriend I was with at the time. I feel like that is understandable and forgivable, but perhaps other people don't. There are only 24 hours in a day...far too few to finish all of the things that I had on my plate and make time for a boyfriend and a social life. Maybe now that I will have a bit more free time I can repair those relationships, but thats only if the other person tries, too. I've neglected my friends and now I don't have many of them left.

It's just hard to feel so alone sometimes.

3. I'm stressed out like you would not beleive. I thought graduating would make me less stressed, not bump it up a couple hundred notches. I need to findd a vocational school to go to to get medical experience so I can apply to a PA Master's program, but I don't know what kind of experience is better (Medical Assistant versus Surgical Technologist) and I honestly still don't know if I really want to go to PA school instead of Medical School and that is really stressing me out because I have to decide NOW.

I also am 2 days into my last week at my job at UC Berkeley and I don't have a new job lined up. I'm freaking out about bills and school books and how Im gonna afford to go on the cruise and all that nonsense. Its really stressing me out. I need a job, but no one seems to want to hire me. I guess I just can't give up. Perhaps I'll spend tonight looking for jobs after I check on my grandma to see how her surgery went this morning.

4. Im am once again. terribly overweight. I was huge in high school and I managed to lose 100 lbs, unfortunately I have gained a portion of that weight back and I have been trying really hard to lose it and I am having a really hard time. I have struggled with my weight my entire life and I have never really won the war. I'm beginning to lose hope, that maybe I'm just destined to be fat for the rest of my life.

I have this mindset that if I lose weight all my problems will be solved: my family will accept me, my friends will come back and want to be around me, and I'll be happy. I guess thats not really true, buts its a lifelong feeling that I've had.

Thats all I am really feeling unhappy about right now, but those are 3 or 4 huge parts of my life that are going very poorly. At least I have Jarrod, Ashley, and Christine to keep my mind off of things and make me smile.

Vaccines, Autism, and Organics

2009-01-05T13:42:00.002-08:00

So I listen to a wonderful program call "This American Life", which is produced Public Radio International and today I listened to one called "Ruining It for the Rest of Us" which had a segment on parents who choose not to vaccinate their children. This is an issue that drives me crazy. I understand that people are scared and they don't trust the "system" and that they may not have all the facts. I have a very easy solution for those people. GET. THE. FACTS. Yes, doctors may give a one sided view of vaccines, but so do the people who are spreading rumors that the MMR (Measles, Mumps and Rubella) vaccine causes autism. The one study that I have ever personally seen that "proved" that the vaccine caused autism has been RETRACTED. Measles is DEADLY.
By making the decision to not vaccinate their child against it, they are not only putting their children in danger, but other people's children as well. When considering the Public Health impact of a vaccine one must look at Herd Immunity. This is the idea that as long as a certain percentage of the population or "herd" is vaccinated, the entire population is protected. When the percentage of people vaccinated falls below that required for herd immunity, epidemics happen. I really don't think that people consider Public Health safety when making vaccine decisions, they only think about their child and the negligible chance that the vaccine may cause autism or other diseases. They hear people talking about autism and vaccines and danger and they immediately trust rumors ahead of the "system", which is obviously out to get them and their children. The only thing that I have heard that is in a vaccine that has been a proven medical danger is aluminum, which is a proven neurotoxin. So why do people use aluminum foil to cover their children's food? It doesn't make any sense to me.
These parents are probably the same parents who insist that their families only eat organic. And yes, eating organic is good to a degree, many of the nasty pesticides are avoided, but there are also negatives. All plants have natural inseticides to kill predators and to stop them from continuing to feed on them. Well, by using pesticides, we save the plants the trouble of developing and manufaturing these natural toxins. Why, you might ask, does this matter to humans? Because many of the these natural plant insecticides are deadly to humans, neurotoxins, carcinogens, allergens, you name it. We don't have a lot of information on a lot of them, either, whereas in many places that our food is grown (in the US andd Europe in particular) pessticides are closely monitored and regulated. Natural plant toxins are not.
It seems as though people see "natural" things as healthy things, and in actuality, some the most poisonous, deadly things we know of are natural. Botulism, for example, is a natural product of the bacteria clostridium botulinum, Anthrax is also a natural product of the species anthracis when infected with certain bacteriophages. Natural by no means is healthy. Keep that in mind at the grocery store.

Moral of the story: Take everything with a grain of salt, don't listen to what people around you are saying. Do some research for yourself...you might be suprised at what you find.

Reassessment

2008-12-04T10:36:00.000-08:00

So, I’ve been thinking a lot about what I am going to do for the next 5-10 years of my life and I’m starting to think that perhaps I am making a bad decision. I feel kind of like I am just settling or going the easy way. I mean, why shouldn’t I work my ass of and apply to Stanford Med? Harvard Med? Or Yale Med?

Why am I settling with a career as a lowly Physician Assistant? Is it what I really want? I really can’t tell what I want right now. I have a really great boyfriend who seems to be in it for the long haul (for now at least, you never know what is going to happen in the future). I want to do the whole family thing and I feel like PA is perfect for that. I want to work a 40 hour week and not be on call all the time and be able to cook my family dinner every night and take my kids to soccer practice and stuff. I want to be able to support them, too, though, and I have this weird mental hang up that if I’m not a doctor or a lawyer or an engineer I’m not going to be able to do that. I want to have a beautiful house with a big yard and a dog and the whole nine yards. And I’m kind of scared that I won’t be able to have that if I don’t make more sacrifices and go to medical school or marry a doctor or something. Is that weird? Am I just being crazy?

I don’t know what to do with my life. I wish someone could just tell me what to do. Like when I was little.

My Hero

2008-11-28T12:10:00.000-08:00

So yesterday was thanksgiving and it was really fun. We went to my Uncle Jim's house where is new-ish wife Rebecca made an amazing dinner in their gorgeous house. It was pretty picturesque. We drank expensive wine and went hot-tubbing after dinner. My cousin Brad brought his girlfriend that he met when he was living in France. She was really sweet and really pretty. I'm happy for him.

I also learned a lot about my grandpa frank. He died in December of 1999. He was one of the most amazing, kind, gentle, selfless, generous people I have ever met in my entire life. He never really talked about his life very much, though...and as a little kid, I never really questioned it or wondered why. I knew he was a marine and I knew that he was stationed in Okinawa. I knew that he met my grandma sometime after the war when his car broke down and she helped him push it. He took her to dinner that night to thank her for helping him and the rest is history.

A show came on TV last night on the history channel about cities of the underground (which is a really cool show, and I recommend it, there is always cool shit on that show) and the particular episode was about the Battle for Okinawa and the underground tunnels, bunkers, and hospitals that the Okinawans and Japanese soldiers hid and worked in. My grandmother did not live in Okinawa at the time, but her best friend Fumiko, who was at thanksgiving dinner last night, was telling us about her and her family fled to Taiwan when the battle began.

Now I always knew that my grandfather fought at the battle for Okinawa, but I had no idea what he did or what happened to him until after he had died. My cousin Taylor wrote a report about the battle that included a fact sheet about my grandfather, most of which i had no idea of. and I wanted to share that story with you. It's pretty amazing.

Francis T. Cahoon (my amazing grandfather) was a Sergeant in the 6th Marine Division and he entered Okinawa to fight on April 1at, 1945. His platoon was called "Rat Patrol" and he was part of a team that used flame throwers to flush the Japanese soldiers out of caves (They also ended up freeing many Okinawan civilians who were being held in the caves for many weeks ,starving, thirsty, and riddled with illness. The Japanese soldiers even killed babies who made noise so as to keep their positions secret. The survivor that they interviewed on the show last night said that the Japanese where far more frightening than the Americans and that when the Americans came they gave the Okinawans food, water, and medical care). After coming under heavy fire my grandfather's entire platoon was killed save him and one other soldier. They were hit by a mortar and flung into a ditch, and his dog tags were blown off. the other soldier tried to stand up, my grandpa tried to pull him down, but it was in vain; the other soldier was shot and killed, leaving my grandfather as the sole survivor in his entire platoon. He went into battle shock and lay in that ditch for 3 days unconscious. A medical team searching for survivors found him critically injured by the mortar and with no identification. He was taken to a military hospital where he remained for an unknown amount of time. He woke up not knowing where or who he was. Eventually he was identified by his cousin Frances who happened to be a nurse at that same hospital. Because of the mortar he was deaf in his right ear (which i never knew until last night) and was left with heavy scarring on his upper right leg and buttocks.

How is that for an amazing story? He is so amazingly lucky: he was the only man to survive the battle of his entire platoon, he was found by a medical team in a sea of bodies and carnage, and he just happened to be in the same hospital that Frances was in and she found him and was able to identify him. The way I see it, God was either watching him very closely or He blessed him with extraordinary luck. I think that he knew what a gift he was given to be alive and he really incorporated that into the rest of his life. He did everything he could for people who needed it and would give you the shirt off of his back if you asked for it. He was an amazing person. He is my hero.

<3

Changes

2008-11-25T12:04:00.000-08:00

I didn't know what to title this. Maybe I'll think of something as I write.

It's almost kida sorta hitting me that I am about to close one of the most life-changing chapters of my entire like in less than 3 weeks.

It's sort of scary. This week is thanksgiving, then next week I have 1 final and then the week after that I have 4 finals and Im done. On december 12th I will be a Berkeley graduate. How crazy is that? Berkeley really has had a huge part in making me who I am today. It chalenged me and forced me to work harder than I ever have before. I made a lot of sacrafices for this moment, and I have lost a lot of relationships along the way. I think thats what makes me so melancholy about the whole thing. All the people I lost along the way. I have had some amazing friends in the last 5 or 10 years and I only really keep in contact with a small number of them. It makes me kind of sad to think about the past and all of the memories that I have because I feel like I gave a lot of that up. I mean, I know that it will pay off eventually, but it just seems so far away. I don't know why Im being all emo. This really is a good thing, I mean I'm almost done!!! This has been so hard and I'm almost done.

Im just sort of scared of what comes next. I mean, I know what comes next. Chabot, the medical assisting, then PA school, then being a PA. But it doesn't seem that simple for some reason. There is a really deep dark uncertainty that I keep feeling in my gut. Like, maybe things arent going to go the way I have planned things...and if you know me, you know I like structure. I like plans and schedules and lists and uncertainty and change scare me. Where am I going to work while Im at Chabot? The economy is terrible and I need a job, a good job, one where I can make enough money to move out. But then moving out will also be a big change and I don't know if I can handle that. Jarrod really wants to move in together, but Im scared to ruin what we have. I'm scared to change everything. I'm scared to fail. I'm scare that all of my hard work was in vain. I'm scared that I really don't know what I want to do in life and all of this was for someone else.

I know I'm going to cry on December 12th at 11am in front of everyone, because I'll finally be finished, and I'll be happy, and I'll be releived, but mostly I'll be scared.

Politics.

2008-11-25T11:39:00.001-08:00

So, I've been really busy lately, but I've been meaning to write about a couple of political things that have really been getting to me.

First off: I am so disappointed in California. How could prop 8 have passed? I really am ashamed and disappointed. How could we take the right of marriage away fom a group of people simply because we don't agree with their lifestyles. In that case, why isn't divorce illegal? That certainly effects the sanctity of marriage, and the Catholic Church certainly looks down on it. So why are people still allowed to get divorced? If we placed the same standards that we place on gay marriage, then a lot of people would not be allowed to be married. Interracial couples would not be allowed. my grandparents would not have been able to get married, and I wouldnt even be here if it weren't for people who stuck up for what is right and fair. With every civil rights battle, the majority has been against it, wether it be interacial marrige, women's rights, and the ending of segregation. The constitution protected those people's rights. Why doesn't it protect the rights of the LGBTQ community? I think that is so wrong.

I love the argument that gay marriage is wrong because it's unnatural...yeah, i know, right? We Americans hate unnatural things like cars, airplanes, breat implants, hair dye, tattoos, nail polish, makeup, fake tans, computers...honestly the list could go on forever.

I'm just really saddened by this decision. I really hope that the supreme court rules this proposition unconstiutional, because it really is.

On the other hand: Fuck yeah, Obama. I'm so proud of America for deiciding that change is a good thing and really making history this election. The first black president...I don't know if you guys are as inspired by this as I am, but this is huge. I really am proud of our country for pulling together and electing someone who is our president, not just the republican's president or the democrat's president, or the top 10%'s president. I think that he really has the coapacity to stand up for us little guys. and thats a nice feeling.

During his speech after he was elected, I was really moved. And the most interesting part about why I was so moved is that it wasn't because I was so nuts about Obama (he's great compared to McCain, but probably not going to be the best prseident we've ever had), but because I felt patriotic. For a large part of the past 8 years I have been really cynical about America and I was really beginning to internalize the hatred of Americans that so many other countries feel. I haven't been proud to be an American in a long time, but all of the sudden, when he was giving his speech something clicked, it literally brought tears to my eyes. I felt proud, patriotic, and hopeful for America. I was moved. and it felt good.

One of my favorite lines from his "Yes we can" speech is this one: "We've been asked to pause for a reality check, we've been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope. But in the unlikely story that is America there has never been anything false about Hope."

That line runs chills down my spine. What a beautiful assertation. and think about how true it is, how America really was built on hope, without hope, we would have nothing.

Go check out Will.I.Am's video called "yes we can". It'll move you.

The Real World

2008-08-26T09:29:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I start my last semester as a UC Berkeley student. I'm really excited and apprehensive at the same time, I mean, my entire life I have been a student, and a good one at that. I've held a job since I was 17 (which most Berkeley kids have never even had to imagine doing) but I've always considered myself a student and considered having a job a means to afford to be a student (books, bart, food, and clothes add up). It just scares me that after I graduate for at least a year I'm not going to be a student anymore. How will I identify myself? An employee? A student in waiting? Uncertainty makes me nervous.

My whole life I have had a plan. I always have a plan. and a list. But right now, I don't know what to do...it's a weird feeling for me not knowing what I'll be doing in the next year because ever since I was a little kid I always knew what came next. I know I have options that I'll do something I love eventually, I just can't stop thinking :"Now what comes next?" The real world? Don't get me started on the real world. "The real world" is a bullshit term that I HIGHLY resent.

Considering life after school "the real world" implies that because I have been a student for most of my life I don't understand how hard life is and how the world really works. I beg to differ. I know many people who did not go to college and work their asses off on a daily basis to earn a good living and I can completely respect that. But honnsetly, I have worked harder than MOST of the people that I know for a large part of my life. School is no cakewalk. I have never had things handed to me on a silver platter like many of the yuppy UC Berkeley students that I come in contact with on a dadily basis. I have NEVER been naturally smat. Ever. I got to where I am by working hard. Harder than people think. So I really can't stand when people talk about the "real world". Wanna experience the real world? Well, try going to school full time, not just any school though, an uber competitve research institution like UC Berkeley and never get anything below a solid B, commute an hour to and from school on Bart at all hours of the morning/night, work 25-30 hours per week while making time for homework and studying, also making time for your boyfriend and friends beause as much as people say they support you, as soon as you stop calling they forget you ever existed. Oh yeah, and deal with all that on top of the stress that comes from overbearing parents and the ignorant assholes that live in our area who steal our cars, invade our spaces, ccompromise our safety, and vandalize our property. Then, after you do that for 4 1/2 years (Im not including working your ass of during high school to make it into Berkeley) you tell me how little I know about the real world.

Yeah. Thats all.

downer.

2008-07-22T12:36:00.001-07:00

I have been feeling a lot lately. I don't know if that makes sense, but I have just been..feeling, feeling lots of things.

INADEQUATE:

I know that Im a good person and Im smart, but lately I just haven't felt adequate in a lot of ways. I'm having a lot of trouble with the whole grad school thing and I'm probably not going to get in for the fall because they want all this experience and I don't have any. So then no one wants to hire me so I can gain experience because they want experienced employees. It's the definition of a catch-22 and I don't know how I'm going to get around it.

I also have an amazing boyfriend who deserves the best of everything and I feel as though I just can't give it to him. It's mostly just because of my weight, which I have been battling since I was a little girl, probably around the age of 10. It really has defined the majority of my life, it takes over my entire day. everyday. All I think about is food, what to eat, when to eat, how many calories, and how Im going to be able to work it off later. Its too hard and I feel like its starting to effect my relationship because I know that my insecurities effect how I act toward Jarrod and how he sees me.

UNSURE:

I have a lot of life left, but I feel like I've found the person I want to stay with, if not for the rest of my life, then for a big part of it. It could just be me being all silly and in love, but I don't think it is. I have NEVER felt this way about someone before and, honestly, it scares me a little. There aren't a lot of people that I feel like I can completely trust and I can feel like I could trust him with my life. I don't want anything more than I want to make him happy, and when he is happy, it makes me happy...but not everything is so golden. I often find myself thinking about the hard times that we had to push through to get to this point and how much hurt I felt and how I don't want to feel that again. As much as I thought I liked him back then, he has changed into a different person right before my eyes and I am madly in love with this new more mature, more caring person. I can only imagine how painful it will be when all of this inevitably ends. Everything ends one way or another and that scares me, too. I don't want to scare him away, but i want to let him know how I feel, just so he knows. I can only hope that he loves me as much as I love him. He always says that he loves me more, but I can't imagine anyone feeling any more love for someone that I feel for him. And that's all I want in life, love is the ultimate attainment.

Defeat

2008-07-21T10:28:00.000-07:00

I've given in and created a blogspot. Hopefully I'll come up with some insanely insightful thoughts and awe and inspire everyone who comes across this webpage...unfortunately I dont think that'll happen, but whatever, this is for me more than anyone else.

I have had a journal since I was in the fifth grade and I still journal to this day and I was wondering waht the use of an online blog was if I had a hand written journal, but I realized that it was for the things that you want other people to know about you, whereas the handwritten one is for just me and no one else. So yeah....this is me.

enjoy.