downer.

I have been feeling a lot lately. I don't know if that makes sense, but I have just been..feeling, feeling lots of things.

INADEQUATE:

 I know that Im a good person and Im smart, but lately I just haven't felt adequate in a lot of ways. I'm having a lot of trouble with the whole grad school thing and I'm probably not going to get in for the fall because they want all this experience and I don't have any. So then no one wants to hire me so I can gain experience because they want experienced employees. It's the definition of a catch-22 and I don't know how I'm going to get around it.

I also have an amazing boyfriend who deserves the best of everything and I feel as though I just can't give it to him. It's mostly just because of my weight, which I have been battling since I was a little girl, probably around the age of 10. It really has defined the majority of my life, it takes over my entire day. everyday. All I think about is food, what to eat, when to eat, how many calories, and how Im going to be able to work it off later. Its too hard and I feel like its starting to effect my relationship because I know that my insecurities effect how I act toward Jarrod and how he sees me.

UNSURE:

I have a lot of life left, but I feel like I've found the person I want to stay with, if not for the rest of my life, then for a big part of it. It could just be me being all silly and in love, but I don't think it is. I have NEVER felt this way about someone before and, honestly, it scares me a little. There aren't a lot of people that I feel like I can completely trust and I can feel like I could trust him with my life. I don't want anything more than I want to make him happy, and when he is happy, it makes me happy...but not everything is so golden. I often find myself thinking about the hard times that we had to push through to get to this point and how much hurt I felt and how I don't want to feel that again. As much as I thought I liked him back then, he has changed into a different person right before my eyes and I am madly in love with this new more mature, more caring person. I can only imagine how painful it will be when all of this inevitably ends. Everything ends one way or another and that scares me, too. I don't want to scare him away, but i want to let him know how I feel, just so he knows. I can only hope that he loves me as much as I love him. He always says that he loves me more, but I can't imagine anyone feeling any more love for someone that I feel for him. And that's all I want in life, love is the ultimate attainment.

Defeat

I've given in and created a blogspot. Hopefully I'll come up with some insanely insightful thoughts and awe and inspire everyone who comes across this webpage...unfortunately I dont think that'll happen, but whatever, this is for me more than anyone else.

I have had a journal since I was in the fifth grade and I still journal to this day and I was wondering waht the use of an online blog was if I had a hand written journal, but I realized that it was for the things that you want other people to know about you, whereas the handwritten one is for just me and no one else. So yeah....this is me.


enjoy.